.........aids.........sexuality..........and.....adjustment.........

............this is a painful subject to a world that had just settled into a new time of interreactive sexuality and had begun to become comfortable with the freedoms allowed and maybe even a little sloppy we were so comfortable. Shame, isn't it? Just as we had overcome the foibled pathway of heavy duty religion...and the great psychosis of the public awareness we had been dealt by time, authority, philosophy and psychology, learned ourselves enough to say our morals were our own and we would deal the path the way we saw it and wear the consequences....here came the inevitable slap in the face of too much cake and ice cream....you know...the monkey see monkey do syndrome....the also unfortunate victims we all sensitive hurt for...the addictive oneness of pleasure....the adventure of I'll fix it and be careful next time....the booze won't make me careless, my feelings won't make me careless, etc....etc....now I have to worry I won't have a childish tantrum over the fact that 'God' or 'SOMEBODY', 'SOMETHING' DID THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!! stuff.....how could anything destroy something so nice.......and crying all over the place. Panic is next. Just when I got used to 'that's just fine to be like that'....now I have to hear that...'no it ain't!'....Panic will eat you up til you tell it off then you have to deal with resentment, the blues, and depression and things like that. Loss is what it is. You lost the somewhat free expression of something you like. That's not nice. In fact it's downright mean of something. Maybe if you could figure out what it was you could blame it on something and feel better from this vague ambiguous hurt of lost sexuality without a replacement
Maybe you even measured yourself by it....maybe we all did. So what! That may have to be over now.
Well, on and on because for most people it was a comfortable habit that now if you want to survive must become an uncomfortable adjustment. I think it can be done. I know....who am I?????????????
Well, I know, I know, I thought all that too otherwise how could I write it here today. Whatever my niche, whatever my scope...I thought it too. I was mad...I got crazy....I didn't want my sex life adjusted by some possibly outwitting disease....all those things. Well. I managed to do it...I was able to come to terms with myself and my feelings and eventually make the adjustment I needed to make in life. It was very difficult no easy time one big lengthy struggle. Everything seems to be growth until you reach a plateau you can live with. Then if you can maintain that plateau, it may be possible to reach personal peace of a sort for awhile but as with anything else responsibility on all fronts and in all situations is very difficult to uphold constantly or consistently especially under the extremes of shock. It helps to have a daily philosophy to live by and a general philosophy with which to view the world tho I don't yet know what that is...that's also another personal responsibility....difficult isn't it? We are always led back to ourselves without much reliable guidance except our own thinking which takes time to develop. It is, however, for oneself, the best thing to do, is to try to think things out for oneself philosophically. Sometimes we can mend. I did.